Ah, high school. Where else would you be given the assignment to create personal ads? This was Becca's English homework, years ago. It made her classmates chuckle, now it's presented here for your viewing pleasure. Please don't call Satan. Personal Ads, by mindoplasmic reticulum and becca'd Women Seeking Men SWF 19 yrs old seeks attractive, fin'c'ly secure SWM at least 85 yrs old, likes to dance and have a good time. BEELINE 708973 Real life Barbie doll seeks real life Ken. I have my own dream house, my own pink Ferrari. You should see my wardrobe (I look great in high heels)! BEELINE 589490 WF seeks partner to share road and acid trips. I've always wanted to see the dark side of the moon how ‘bout you? Call 8679 Big-breasted girl interested in jogging, horseback riding and playing basketball. Seeks man who will love me for what I can do not what I have. Must have yearly membership to Club Med. PO Box 65 Emotionally insecure sales clerk seeks man with strong paternal insticts to give me the love I never got from Daddy. PO Box 2 MWF seeks tall dark and handsome knight in shining armor for friendship and a good laugh. Don't call at home. Voicemail: 6450 SWF 25 yrs looking for companionship and love. Must have no kids, beach front property, and a convertible. Salaries under $285,000 a year need not call: 3290 DWF (dwarf) seeks vertically challenged man 13-88 for dinners and shared respiratory activities. I enjoy midnight star-gazing and long walks on the beach. Please no smokers or drinkers or convicted felons. Voicemail 9865 Animal lover seeks suave zoo keeper who can appreciate the finer things in life. Must have fantastic stories to tell and access to observe feeding times. I survived a lion attack. What have you been through? BEELINE #678310 Natural blond seeks big husky man for dinner dates, movie dates, and dates that grow on trees. Call: 7639 Professional SWF lawyer seeks a man with open schedule. I work 80 hours per week and have very little time so only those serious about a relationship should bother calling. BEELINE 785603 Metaphysical Pisces babe interested in soul-searching and palmistry seeks Cancer man to share the tarot. You can get in touch with me by getting in touch with your inner self. Or call my personal hotline: 1-900-IN-TOUCH Woman Marine seeks macho man for cadence practice. Must be an early riser and light eater. Should also have incredible endurance and like mud and barbed wire. VM# 3409 Men Seeking Women SWM interested in football, hockey, basketball, baseball and televised golf seeks good cook who doesn't mind housework. 726-BOB DW hillbilly is looking for a lady friend to keep me company on long trips to the outhouse. Must have at least two cars for me to fix and seven pigs for us to slaughter. If you like home cookin' and dancin' in the barn, yer my gal. Call 991-HICK Beavis and Butthead fan looking for girl to suck face with huh, huh, cool! Must have the latest White Zombie CD. PO Box #666 Single ascomycete is looking for an ascomycetous lady who enjoys caves and other damp places. My friends call me a real fun guy. VM# 3864 Leader of the local Hare Krishnas seeking love. Must enjoy airports and loose clothing and be open to new hairstyles. PO Box #666 Quadruplets looking for two sets of twins who like group dates and big families. PS we share EVERYTHING. Voicemail #6969 Down-to-earth gentleman seeks classy lady. No silliness or insubordination. Must be excited by heated discussions of politics and economics. No democrats. VoiceMail #1234 Aryan Pride leader is looking for blonde-haired blue-eyed lady who knows when to keep her mouth shut. Must have proper documentation of Aryan genealogy. Voicemail #1945 My goal is social acceptance. Convicted felon seeks old petite lady to nurture me back to mental health by giving me the love I never got from Mommy. You can reach me at the State Penn. My ID# is 19636 Xenophobe is timidly searching for someone to help confront fears. Is also claustrophobic, acrophobic, ornithischophobic, and pedaphobic. PO Box #13 Happy-go-lucky divorcee searching for woman to take on cruise around the world. Must be willing to sell your soul to help fund costs. PO Box #666 Armageddon out of here! Man in touch with his dark side seeks redhead for dinner dates. PO Box #666 Black is my favorite color. The end of the world is coming and soon I'll be free. I'd like to take you with me to my vacation home if you don't mind the heat. PO Box #666 Searching for built woman to test out my trampoline. I'm willing to pay. 727-2662 Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all night! SM is looking for SF with which to share campfires, viewing ancient ruins and apocalypses. PO Box #666 Transient man, we think, is seeking woman for love on the go. We have many personalities but one body and we'd love to get to know you. We never run out of things to say, so call us now. 767-2672; 767-7848; 767-3730; 767-6179; or 767-4743 Greek mythology major is looking for Venus to satiate my desires. Must have long red hair. Arms optional. VM: 5683 I used to be a homicidal maniac, but I sought therapy and now I'm okay with that. My psychoanalyst says I should try to develop a stable relationship that doesn't end with me having to recarpet my house. If you're open and would like to give me my seventeenth chance, VM# 0934 Okay, fine, so I'm Satan, you can learn to love me! I look kind of cute and helpless when I've been out in the rain. Kinda like a cute little homeless puppy dog. The kind with their ears all floppy over their eyes. Come on, give me a chance. PO Box #666
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		Act V. THE TRUTH. (Love is hard work. And, sometimes, hard work can really hurt.) Love is a game. If they didn't tell you before, we will tell you now. Love is a game and if you play you either win, lose, or get ejected before the game is over. There are no ties. Maybe you'll lose and learn some great, meaningful answer from it all (like if it looks to good to be true, it is). It's easy to love something when you don't have to work at it. It's harder when it asks something of you. You just might be afraid to give. Give it anyway. The heart is the most resilient muscle. It is also the stupidest. So if this love you've found is good to you, hold it, keep it, shout about it. If it isn't, then maybe you should just become very good friends.