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Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy,
Saturday Night Live
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling school, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something. When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil. At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-Rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh, it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid? And you'd say, "Aw f*ck, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill. I bet when the Neanderthal kids made a snowman, someone wold always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman. Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man." I'd rather be rich than stupid. If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me." If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward. I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't laugh at them personally, to their faces, and this is what really annoys me. To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable -until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says, "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that. If you ever fall off the Sears tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy, and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. Anytime I see something screech across the room and latch onto some guy's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing? The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and I then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you. If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks you why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for rocks." Marta said it should read, "Watch for pretty rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the Highway Department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy. One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old, burned out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland has burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone. Laurie got offended that I used the word "Puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. We used to laugh at grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he'd picked up in town. I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. If you're a young mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you're swimming. When I was a kid, my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he'd eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out Uncle Caveman was a bear. Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he'll develop a good lucky feeling. I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him. Whether they find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have. Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions? I wish my name was Todd, because then I could say, "Yes, my name's Todd. Todd Blankenship." Oh, also I wish my last name was Blankenship. I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet. Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you. You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidently" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress. I think a mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend." You know something that would really make me applaud? A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skies! How do they do that?! When Rick told me he was having trouble with his wife, I had to laugh. Not because of what he said, but because of a joke I thought of. I told him the joke, but he didn't laugh very much. Some friend HE is. If you're a blacksmith, probably the proudest day of your life is when you get your first anvil. How innocent you are, little blacksmith. What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. That's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say? That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather? When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, ummmm, boy. If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat)? I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket-beds with my name on it. It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets his wings. But what they don't tell you is, every time you hear a mousetrap snap, an angel gets set on fire. The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down in some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man." I remember how, in college, I got that part-time job as a circus clown, and how the children would laugh and laugh at me. I vowed, then and there, that I would get revenge. I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my God, we've got to do something! Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is see if they have some kind of pornography booth? A QUIZ: If I am my brother's brother, who am I? (Answer: Me.) If you want to be the popular one at a party, here's a good thing to do: Go up to some people who are talking and laughing and say, " Well, technically, that's illegal." It might fit with what somebody just said. And even if it doesn't, so what, I hate this stupid party. Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat. If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I'm trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it? You know one thing that really makes a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.) If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins . Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade. Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. I guess we are all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go,"What was THAT?!" The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals. He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven with a gun." Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see. As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint. Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. |
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